The fat hamster

Hayz Pearl Malins is 23 years old, originally from Bedfordshire currently living in South Wales. She aspires to be a writer and always has an opinion on one thing or another. She could astound with her random knowledge of film and has been enraptured with books since childhood. Here she divulges her everyday musings. Follow her on Twitter @hayzmalins.
'We all spend our lives telling stories. About this, about that, about people. Some stories bring us laughter, sometimes they bring us tears. But isn't that what a great story does? Makes us feel?' - D. Hoffman

An honest account of grief. My grief.

There is a line in a poem I recently posted by Jill B. Englar that reads,
“At times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.”
And it is this line that sums up my week. The tears have fallen hot and painful this week and have as quickly passed as they have arrived. It is a strange feeling.
It has been 3months and 12 days, what is time when it feels as if everything is on pause. I cannot fathom not hearing you whistle or not seeing your face again.
Is there a handbook that says where I should be or what “stage” I should be at? Isn’t there a supposed 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Googling this has led me to read ” this stage [acceptance] of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone”. Wonderful.
Where am I? I don’t know.
Lost that’s where I am.
Most of the time I feel I am functioning on auto pilot. I work, I talk, I smile, laugh and everything else but is it real?
On the outside I am fine, I’m dealing with it I am, dare I say normal?? Then it hits me and my guard comes down, how strange I use the word ‘guard’ as if I am protecting myself or perhaps protecting others from me?

I want to express my true feelings and thoughts somehow and I thought maybe this would be helpful maybe? I’ll try it and see.

I simply do not know. I have no answers all I know is the true heartbreak of my life. That neither I nor my life are going to be okay any time soon if ever.


They make up our lives. We are celebrated when we mutter our first, we are remembered and mourned by our last.

In particular for me, I feel that words define my life. I questioned the naming of things as a young child, always had too much to say as a teenager and studied them as a young adult. Now they fail me. What use are words when I don’t have the courage or inclination to put them out there. Are there any that aptly describe this?

I feel numb - that is the closest word to describe me at the moment, its difficult to say but it feels fake. This isn’t my life, not really. I will see Grandad again, he can’t be gone I would be irrevocably damaged, I wouldn’t be able to function.

But I am functioning, yet I can’t help but feel it’s a front that I haven’t fully accepted it or understood it. I’ve tried talking to my friends, at times feeling that I’m putting too much out there - how are they to have the answers for me? It’s not fees-able which isn’t their fault at all. Other times I feel that they subject change unintentionally, leaving me wrapped in words - stifled. I feel similar with my family. I feel I’ve said things to my Mum that betrays myself to be met with no words so I haven’t betrayed myself at all.

I can’t express myself. I need to talk about it but I don’t want to randomly bring it up. I know me - I am emotional, I am expressive, passionate, angry… where is that me? I don’t think it is a real reaction. I don’t feel this is okay. So why am I like this?

Memory can only tell us what we were in the company of those we loved; it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone; those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words, and what they did has become woven into what we are.
- Jewish Proverb

The Loss

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the shore seems miles away.

Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, “WHY?”

At times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story.
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.

Please, will you walk beside me?
~ Jill B. Englar

Free Speech

8/4/14: This post has been edited to remove direct quotes from others, as I was wrong to do so. I acted in the heat of the moment which led to this post becoming about specific people when my aim was to be broad. Not because, as I was told, I could be prosecuted nor has anything I have written been a lie. However, what I posted I stand behind and do not have any regrets in voicing my own opinion as every single other person on this planet is entitled to do so. I used a personal experience to enhance my point about social media, I did not intend to offend.

In this day and age of social media, anyone and everyone can have an opinion and freely post it for the world to access. This is a blessing and a curse. It paves the way for celebrities to interact with fans one on one, allows distant relatives/friends to stay in contact and offers campaigners a platform unlike anything else. The negative however, is when people think, that behind the protection of the screen, can say what ever they want regardless of respect, empathy or compassion. Yet when challenged backtrack and catch themselves in their own web of ignorance and immaturity. In extreme cases some are taken to court and prosecuted over their comments, some have been brought to court for breaching gag order conditions in rape cases. Another case and point is the 2012 jailing of student Liam Stacey who was jailed for 56 days, pleading guilty to the Racially Aggrevated s4A public order act 1986, over his racist tweet concerning footballer Fabrice Muamba after he suffered a cardiac arrest and collapsed on the pitch. 

I won’t lie I have posted things about celebrities and maybe the odd frustrated heat of the moment comment about people around me. I would never post, think or say anything homophobic or racist to anyone and I endeavor to stay away from appearing bullyish as I have been bullied throughout my life. Certain things I regret, others I hold my hands high and honestly stand behind having no issue in saying it to whomever’s face if the chance arose. 

Does anyone believe that saying outrageous things on a Twitter or Facebook page will go by unnoticed? We all have the right to freedom of speech but it works every which way, I merely believe that if you come across something that isn’t morally or ethically right to say then you have to stand up to it.

Well something happened tonight that made me passionate enough to write this post, something that was termed ‘overreacting’ by a male friend lets call him B. A different male friend, lets call him A, posted a status regarding the death of Peaches Geldof and how his news feed was full of posts regarding her sudden death yet 279 people are missing presumed dead (the missing MH-730 Malaysian Air plane) and no where near as many posted about that. Essentially, whether his intent or not, judging those who wanted to post their condolence about the sudden, unexplained death of a 25 year old mother who has left behind a father, sisters, husband and two babies. After reading Sir Bob Geldof’s heart wrenching statement I just thought A was being so incredibly disrespectful to post a status in such callous a manner. I commented my opinion, that I believed he was being incredibly rude and disrespectful, his post lacked empathy and that whilst both are tragedies you cannot compare the two as both are entirely different circumstance. What ensued absolutely enraged me, I was told by A and B that there is no reason to feel sad/empathy as it was apparently a drug related death and therefore her own fault (the death is being treated a sudden - no suspicious circumstance so where they got that is unknown as it only happened this afternoon), that she was just some celebrity and not a real person and how he wasn’t comparing them or judging anyone. I was simply trying to say that even though she was a celebrity doesn’t mean she meant any less than anyone else. At the end of the day a young woman died suddenly leaving two young babies motherless - which I personally have empathy for. I thought it was quite disrespectful to rubbish other peoples expression of that same compassion, if you disagree fine but don’t try and make others feel that their opinion is wrong and “celebrity obsessed”.

If his point was that its mad how it seems more people care about one celebrity than a group of noncelebrities and how mad that was to him then he is right. It is mad how, en masse, that celebrities appear to get more news coverage but in this scenario it cannot be brought into the same sentence nor can you compare peoples reactions. The two are very different tragedies that no doubt moved people, everyone has a right to react and express their feelings in what ever way they please. It is shocking that one may seem to get more acknowledgement but the fact still remains its hardly a comparable circumstance. I have seen many statuses/tweets/news articles about that missing plane.It’s shocking how the families have been treated by the airline. Personally, I feel greatly for those people who frankly may never know how their loved ones went missing and, presumably, died. Same compassion I feel for those two babies, her husband and the rest of the Geldof family. 

His point seemed to criticise the people he has on his news feed for seemingly being more ‘celebrity obsessed’ than concerned over 279 missing people, he did not put that across very well as the status appeared heavy with judgement and criticism. It isn’t okay for anyone to post something that makes somebody else feel that their opinion isn’t worth while, that their emotions cannot be expressed and that those very emotions are wrong.

We all have free speech, people can post what they want but it just isn’t fair to rubbish or trivialise someone’s expression of feeling in such a demeaning way. Or in such a way that demeans someones LIFE. 

I am not stating that this was his intention. I know he isn’t a bad person, but my point is how words can be misconstrued. A person has be aware of the impact of their words that they choose to put out into that public forum. I saw judgement, he saw a messed up order of priorities that some people have - both are right to a degree. 

Can a person not express their opinion against anothers or is one person right no matter what he or she says? Just because we disagreed does not mean that you are right and I am wrong or visaversa.

I raised the point that he should have respect for her family yet that was irrelevant as her family wouldn’t see it. How does that make it okay to sit behind a computer screen and say what ever if that particular person or anyone they know will see it? I am certain Kanye West will never see the things I’ve tweeted about him, does that make it okay? No, although I have never attacked him on a personal level, only on media reported quotes or actions. Which honestly I don’t regret as the man has said some ridiculous things. The minute you start to tear someone down on a personal level over looks or family or any sensitive level, you’re going to far.

I could not take being told to stop judging A and B, as A isn’t judging anyone and to “bore of”. In all honesty, when I was told I had overreacted and I was the only one hurt in all this I couldn’t help but think ‘is it because I’m a woman?’ B thinks this whole debate is ‘all fun’. I certainly wasn’t having fun.

I am not calling my dear dear friend a sexist, I know him to the core and know he is utterly respectful of women. I put that together in my head as I’ve read a lot about feminism lately. I couldn’t help but start to ponder of his choice of word, not malicious or chosen for a purpose but still a word seemingly associated with the feminine. Women over react, are over dramatic, are over sensitive to things. Is there a way to say the same to man? Would it possibly be a different conversation if I was male? Is it easier to be passionate and put your point across, to be heard, if you are male? Are certain outbursts on social media understood or misunderstood for that matter, because of gender? Or is it easier to dismiss a comment because of it? I think so, in some cases.

Nobody can dare try and demean a point of view simply because it’s a woman’s. In my case, yes I am offended that you find it acceptable to try and trivialise someone’s daughter, wife, mother simply because of their role in the spotlight or how ever many people posted about it. Yes I will comment because you know what - you are not always right. .

in the end I posted this and just turned off my notifications:

"whatever, if you want to try and make out its "only fun" go ahead. I’m done.  Free country, free opinions therefore I don’t have to stop talking ust because its you who has said something. (he previously stated I am ‘yet to stop talking its incredible’) All Im saying is have some respect for a mourning family, and that these two cases cannot be compared. Something you’re now saying A when initially you were and still are comparing them. People can post what they wanna post and other s can have opinions about that post. if you can’t handle that don’t post such shit"

I think everyone needs to think very carefully before they post, you aren’t some young idiotic teenager so don’t act like one and even if you are still don’t act like one. Use your brain to realise that actually what you said was rude, lacking empathy and disrespectful. Don’t think it goes unnoticed, people read it people take notice. You get back what you put out in the world and just because you’re distanced from a situation doesn’t mean you can say what ever negativities.

Think before you act, for I will not back down just because you think I should. I will stand up for my own beliefs as much as I suspect you will for yours. Don’t think you can laugh it off and dismiss my argument simply as it is opposite to yours. I know that the conversation I was a part of tonight got out of hand due to heated minds and heated hearts. I know that there wasn’t a true cruel motive there, I also know that no matter how you spin it it’s disrespectful to other people to post something belittling their expression of emotion or condolence.

Just think before you type, and be prepared cause not everyone will agree with you but that doesn’t mean they should shut up and keep quiet. 

Elephant train

Morning blossom #walden #spring

Morning blossom #walden #spring

Clutch it #limitededition #marksandspencer

Clutch it #limitededition #marksandspencer

heat 2 heat

Second day. 9:30 am start. Cold and *cue wailing* alll by my seeeelf.

Maria wasn’t well today bless her, so I was on me tod. I can’t lie I was a little apprehensive as I had only been in the routine one day and wasn’t really prepared but hey it was the attitude of ‘grab the bull by the horns’ and as it turns out, it was great. I missed one tube being as it was literally sardine can full  - crazy times it still surprises me how nuts it is in the mornings! Once I’d squeezed onto a tube and got to heat towers I had to sort out the mail, and pass out the weekly/daily papers and mags to the News Desk and Jeremy Mark -Editor. Maria had texted me that morning with the task of sending out the new copies of the magazine which meant I was sealing and addressing about 129 envelopes this morning - pretty certain one went to Courtney Love? Simply bizarre for me! 

I found it a real thrill to be in the office today, amongst the to-ing and fro-ing of the editors in meetings and organising features. I also witnessed how the team deal with celebs, tv people (producers/writers) or whoever when there is a problem and/or complaint with an article, this opened my eyes to the other side of media which is culpability for your words and how you then defend or rectify the situation.

I got a great perspective of how fast paced the magazine turn-around really is. Everyone I’ve met there has been so nice and open be that any of the feature’s girls I chatted to today; Deb, Jen or Kay, Jeremy offered to let me sit in on some meetings again this afternoon but things were busy and I had to run an errand for Maria so sadly couldn’t. Lucie Cave (the E.I.C -thats editor in chief for you numptys) is really lovely too and I’m not just saying that, i felt so stupid asking her who I give papers too this morning but it wasn’t a problem. I think what I’m getting round to is, what is making my experience, also made my style work experience, is how helpful and welcoming the team are at Heat. Everyone I’ve spoken to has said that if I need or aren’t sure of anything then feel free to go to them and I do feel that I could easily ask for any help (case and point with Lucie). 

I then wound up my day doing some transcribing for Jen who was extremely happy I’d offered as she had a lot. The journey home was eventful as some guy was doing a ‘magic’ act of making a crystal ball “float” on the tube - bizarre, truly. 

A weeks worth is, As Cyrus Rose (gossip girl) said “NOT ENOUGH!” Still excited for the next day, and the next blog.


So I’m back for the second time at heat magazine to clock some work experience under my belt this time under the guidance and friendly eye of Maria Vallahis - Editorial assistant.

Not saying that the Style team weren’t friendly cause they were so lovely!

So today I jumped right in with the work, I got to transcribe two interviews with two very relevant and popular celebs (hush hush don’t want to give anything away now) and sit in on a photoshoot meeting! I also got some revlon chubby stick-like-lip-stains - not bad! This was already a pretty good day, then I got a call regarding a publishing gig back home in South Wales with Vale Life. I am meeting with the top twosome of the mag - Jennifer and Mark on Monday and I am tres excited! Hopefully this is the start of something brilliant, something that will give me experience and a stepping stone in my career path.

Things I learnt on MIC tonight

  1. Phoebe is singularly the most unattractive person ever. And that’s saying something considering Spencer is in this show. Just everything about her is so gross.
  2. Stephanie is a bit of a Pratt if she thought Spencer could go two episodes without staying out and obviously boning or touching up somebody else.
  3. Spencer is an utter moron with his double standards with his behavior in regards to Jamie and his friendship. I mean does he not remember how rude he was to Jamie when he was dating Louise?
  4. Lucy Watson is an alright girl, I mean she isn’t a slut (Phoebe’s favourite word atm) she slept with a friend - who HASN’T DONE THAT?
  5. Phoebe is off her rocker. Like one second crazy bunny boiler over Alex then the next second crazy bunny boiler over Jamie. Wow she is a complex character. I am genuinely concerned that she is dangerous to others. The rolling-of-the-eyes is tad too Exorcist for me, I am putting us all on (a very red) amber alert.
  6. Lucy cries when surprise surprise Jamie is led astray by his wandering penis, even though there are no redeeming qualities about Phoebe…
  7. I think Lucy liked Jamie first (before Spencer) and kissed him (before Spencer) so Spencer can SHUUURTT URRRP. 
  8. Alex is a mug for taking Jamie’s advice on women. Honest  Alex *shakes head*
  9. I feel sorry for Fran, not only does she seemingly only have Cheska to lean on, but Alex completely led her on and she had Phoebe be an utter cow to her.
  10. There is a HUGE lack of Boulley in these episodes, “:you slept with Lucy Watson. *sigh* Typical” a nugget of golden Boulley-ness  give me more please!!
  11. It looks as if next episode they’re a) trying to make is scary for Halloween and b) trying to recreate The Hills episode where the girls surprised the guys in Hawaii and thus Audrina “slept in Brody’s room”. Except here I think the boys are camping in somone’s grounds and the girls rock up in Karate Kid style get up and inexplicably Jamie probably ends up “sharing a tent” with Phoebe. Probably his pants tent.

Looking forward to next weeks ep kids!!